Friday, January 26, 2007

50 Things You Don't Know About Me...Nor Did You Ask.

And, because people like the Mad Pulp Bastard are doing it, I feel compelled. I am nothing but a blog lemming.

50. I was born a poor black boy in the ghetto. Seriously, in the Bronx. And we were poor, even if I didn’t know it then. Because kids never do.

49. I have never done a recreational drug. Of any kind. I’ve drank until I puked shamrocks, but no drugs.

48. I am neither a cat person nor a dog person. Both will cause my lungs to seize. I need no pets, I have children.

47. My younger brother used to own a rabbit, but that little fucker ate all the buttons off the remote control.

46. I am a videogame savant. Unless it involves the words “dance” or “mario” or “kart.”

45. My first screenplay was about a crime-fighting yeti who rode around in a pimped-out ice-cream truck. Yeah, I know.

44. I once shook Ron Jeremy’s hand and debated washing it afterwards. After all, if humanity suddenly died out, I had enough genetic material in the palm of my hand to repopulate the earth.

43. I’ve never seen All About Eve. Or The French Connection. Or The Third Man.

42. I have, however, seen Willow more than once.

41. I don’t like mushrooms. Or asparagus.

40. I have never broken a bone. Or sprained anything. I am invulnerable, so far.

39. When I was 16, I “borrowed” my father’s car and was stupid enough to call my friends from his car phone. I got caught.

38. My brother has better hair than I do. And he’s taller. And he wanted to make comic books long before I ever did. Sorry, bro.

37. I played football all through high-school. I started as a running back, until I got a look at the playbook and all that I’d have to memorize. The next day, I became a defensive lineman. Because all you have to do is hit.

36. I don’t like the beach in the summertime. Too many people, too little space. Besides, it’s not like I need a tan.

35. I believe in spanking one's children. Pain is an excellent teacher. What can I say? I'm old school.

34. My moral compass was calibrated by Conan the Barbarian novels and Star Wars.

33. I learned my first storytelling lesson from my father. He took me to see the Flash Gordon movie and, as I covered my eyes when Flash stuck his hand in that Arborian stump with the creature living inside, my dad leaned over and said, “Don’t worry, they never kill the hero.”

32. Mint and chocolate together gross me out.

31. I’ve only been in two real fights, and I’m one and one.

30. I know how to work a Grass Valley switcher. And, consequently, fire the main cannon of the Death Star.

29. I once fell asleep in a car on the side of an upstate New York road, and woke up in total darkness. It had snowed during the night. Freaky.

28. Steve Guttenberg thinks he knows me. He doesn’t.

27. I don’t run unless chased.

26. I saw Aliens before I saw Alien. As a result, Alien kinda sucks for me.

25. The scariest movie I ever saw was A Nightmare on Elm Street. Gave me nightmares for weeks. Nightmares about nightmares are tough on a 13-year-old kid.

24. I have stolen something from every place I’ve ever worked. My favorite scam was at Red Lobster, where I was a cashier in high school. When someone called in to place a take-out order, I was the one who took it back to the kitchen, retrived the food, and gave it to the customer. I figured out I could put in slips for fake take-out orders, and just tell the manager that the customers never came to pick it up, and then I could keep the food for myself. We ate well at the cashier's stand that summer.

23. I have held a job, without a break, since I was 13 years old.

22. I haven’t paid out of pocket for a movie or a DVD in 8 years.

21. My wife hates Die Hard. And yet I still love her.

20. I was the singer in a rock-rap band in college. We played around for three or four years. Our most requested song: a cover of “Oompa, Loompa.” Which did actually kick ass.

19. Our “Message in a Bottle” didn’t kick quite as much ass. No ass, to be precise.

18. I have never skydived, nor do I want to.

17. I once saw lightning strike a tree, and detonate it from the inside-out. I was standing 8 feet away.

16. The worst job I ever had was at my friend’s father’s factory. They made innersoles for shoes. I was on an assembly line. I had to pop the soles out of the foam sheet after it was stamped by the cutter. Eight hours of mindlessly popping soles. I quit after the first day.

15. The best job I ever had was at a mom-and-pop video store when I was in high school. I sat around, watched movies, talked movies, and played the coin-op Contra videogame. Free rentals, and all the porn I could smuggle home. Kind of like my current job, but minus the porn.

14. I’ve never eaten borscht.

13. Despite growing up in both the Bronx and on Long Island, I have no accent whatsoever.

12. I am a first generation American.

11. I got kicked out of the Grand Casino in Monte Carlo. For being bad.

10. The first student film I ever made won the grand prize in the St. John’s video competition.

9. The first TV script I ever wrote won the grand prize in the Nate Monaster Writing for Television competition.

8. I haven’t won anything since college…though I’ve got my eye on next year’s Eisners.

7. I do not believe in God. Honestly, it’s better that way. Because if I did believe in Him, I would have to hate Him. And that hate would also have to be capitalized.

6. I’m a breast man. Though, it must be said, I prefer two.

5. I would write a novel, but those fuckers are just too damned long. I don’t have that kind of time.

4. I do not have a PDA, a Blackberry, a Treo, or a Sidekick. No one should be that accessible.

3. The first song I learned to play on the guitar was “Smoke on the Water.”

2. I am not a feature writer at EW because I hate the way my voice sounds on tape. The last interview I did was with Frank Miller, for The Dark Knight Strikes Again. And I sounded like a tool.

1. I am the kwisatz haderach. The sleeper has awakened.


Anonymous said...

Every time I encounter "kwisatz haderach" (which is way more than you would think), my brain involuntarily goes "Kwisatz haderach, give a dog a bone; this old man comes rolling home."

Yeah, and Nima is almost done, so there's that.


marc bernardin said...

There is that. Which will make me spending an ungodly fortune to go to San Diego worth it.

He fears my wrath, he does. My very cuddly wrath.

Bill Cunningham said...


This confirms so many things...

(Throws up a little)

marc bernardin said...

The strange thing is I'm not sure what any of this confirms, other than my predeliction for large breasts. And my dislike of peppermint patties.

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