Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Horses? Really?

I really want someone to explain to me why the hell there are police officers on horseback in New York City. I've been thinking about this all morning—okay, for about 15 minutes—and I can't see the logic in it.

First, they're Fucking Horses in New York City. Which makes no sense. While Central Park may have a decent chunk of natural landscape, not so much that you need the friggin' cavalry.

Second, they shit everywhere. Why I should have to dodge massive mounds of hay-strewn feces on my way to work—which is not on a farm, mind you—is beyond me. The New York's Finest are keeping your city their giant method of transportation can poop all over it.

Third, they can't be cheap to stable. Those nags can eat. Are they any cheaper than a good motocross bike? Yes, I know motorcycles wouldn't help the enviornmental conditions in New York. But see point No. 2: shit boulders.

Fourth, they are animals with minds of their own. Who may not feel like engaging in a criminal pursuit. And let's say this is an armed criminal, who decides to take a shot or two at the mountie. Now two creatures with free will have to decide to continue the chase, as opposed to one dude on a Honda. (And this chase, mind you, is being executed on a beast who's tiny piggies are designed for almost every other kind of terrain besides asphalt.)

I'm sure there are some who call it tradition, a throwback to a simpler, stinkier time. And tradition is moderation. But when tradition gives way to a total ignoring of fiscal logic and peacekeeping methodology, that's when I call horseshit.


John said...

Probably not the best place to post this, but I couldn't find an email address.

Bill Cunningham suggested I speak to you about a new ePulp I have coming out quarterly. We're focusing on pulp characters and he said you might be interested in contributing.

I can email you more information if you're interested. Thanks.

Editor-In-Chief (don't call me chief)

Astonishing Adventures Magazine

Andrew said...

A police officer can see three times as far from horseback than he can from inside a squad car. Horses are more maneuverable, and can go all sorts of places that a squad car cannot. They are also almost as fast as a squad car when pursuing anything other than another car on an open road, and almost never accidentally crash into someone or something to cause severe bodily injury or property damage.

Bill Cunningham said...

We have horses in Hollywood...yep, you read that right.

marc bernardin said...

at least in Hollywood you've got the illusion of "the range." And, prolly, lots of movie horses that need somewhere to go. But in NYC? I don't care what Andrew says, a cop would accomplish the same thing on a 200cc Honda dirt bike as he could on a horse. And, yes, he'd be lower to the ground so he might miss all those crime committed by ex-centers for the Celtics.